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April 1, 2013

Solar Powered Wombat Assassins

In a hurried announcement this morning The Australian Defence Force released details of their latest clean energy developments in an alarming report stating that a new breed of autonomous solar powered wombat soldier will be deployed for domestic and overseas combat situations.

In a joint effort between the Australian Federal Police (AFP) and the Australian Defence Force (ADF) called the Autonomous Wombat Research Department (AWRD) there are firm plans in place to deploy these genetically modified autonomous crime ‘regulating’ wombats onto the streets of Australia for an initial trial period before ‘rolling out’ the wombats to the rest of the world.

solar powered combat wombat

Sgt Heller is one of the selected wombat handlers receiving covert training related to controlling this new wave of wombat enforcement. “Wombats have always been an iconic Australian symbol so the benefits of using a street ready wombat, as opposed to traditional police dogs, will instil a sense of trust when we deal with the general public,” says Sgt Heller.

According to Candy Soother, spokesperson for the Autonomous Wombat Research Department (AWRD), “Combat ready wombats have been involved in heavy genetic modification over the past 4-5 years of the program and we firmly believe the initial malicious side effects the wombats displayed during the first phase of testing have been addressed. They will be an asset not only to domestic policing but also to allied forces active in Afghanistan and other overseas operations.”

She went on to say, “Due to the hardy nature of the wombat their ability to sniff out terrorist operatives in remote and desolate places is well beyond the equivalent efforts of a human soldier. These units are set to revolutionise modern warfare and bring our troops home.”

The successful patenting of a specialised 3d printing technique to Australian technology pioneers Wombaprint means that the printing of weaponry directly onto the genetically modified wombats can be scaled to suit the environment.

According to Prof Peter Mcdonald of Wombaprint, “Obviously we don’t want armed wombats patrolling the streets of Australia equipped with heavy artillery. In a civilian situation a wombat armed with pepper spray or an electrified jacket for crowd dispersal would be a suitable harm minimising option”

Under current laboratory conditions (and pending successful field trials) the production of autonomous solar powered combat wombats could exceed 625 units per month in the first phase of integration. The cheap production and accelerated learning of these wombats means that high crime areas of Australia may well see wombats patrolling the streets sooner than expected.

Published on 1st April 2013…

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